From where I came from, 3 months ago, I would say I am in a good place. I have amazing friends. I have a new place to live next year with new and wonderful girls. I have such a loving family. I have a new outlook on life
Except for one thing...
I keep going back to them. It's like they still include me and go sometimes but its not the same. No one acts the same, its sort of awkward, and no one really talks about what we used to. It's insanely stupid of me to continue this little charade of a friendship. They hurt me and yet I still think it can go back to how it was. But it NEVER will. NEVER. I've already said yes to one more thing, and soon after I will brea the chain (metaphorically of course). They obviously don't care about me, and I am too busy and caught up in my new life to even care anymore. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT. I say it to myself constantly. THEY NEVER WILL BE. They are too caught up in themselves and each other to notice what they did and how different it has been since we were all apart during summer.
So heres to stopping cold turkey, maybe they won't understand but I do. It's for my health. It's for my fresh start.
Heres to new friends who care and explore. Heres to "out with the old and in with the new."
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Empty Yet Overflowing
Sorry for the delay, but I am back at it again. I was just trying to have a smooth transition back into classes and schoolwork.
Since I have been gone:
I have started classes!
I have met TONS of new people!
I have turned 20!
I have thought (a lot!)
I am being open. Open to the possibilities. Open to the freedom of choice. Open to getting hurt for the benefit, in the end. There have been some changes in my life that I pray and hope are for the better.
There are people in my life that I don't think are helping to reach my goals and accomplishments. These are people that I haven't been friend with long, but I know that thy are not what real friends are supposed to be like. Since moving to first floor, basically everything has changed. The biggest change is that I feel loved. For the first time, I don't feel as if I need to try to change myself to be loved by others. They are just there. It's pretty insane coming after what happened in the last 6 months. I have even found housemates for next year. They are some of the most gracious and loving people I have ever met.
I am still unsure as to who I am exactly so I am remaining numb to things that could change me or hurt me. I am not trying to be egocentric or anything but the way in which I was hurt was not fair. It was so superficial and pointless that they didn't even know it was happening in a way. All they knew was what was making them happy and that obviously didn't include me. The feeling of rejection is fucking horrible. You feel worthless, unimportant and unloved; like they were putting on a show and they were the actors and actresses.
In the midst of all this feeling stuff I will share a few things that are going on in my life right now:
First, we (the girls I am living with) have almost found a house that we can live in starting in August. I am so excited to be out of the dorms and live with 3 amazing girls. Sure it feels like a long time from now but that leads me into my next point!
I AM PROBABLY GOING TO AFRICA! Liberia to be exact. During January I will hopefully be traveling there for 3 weeks to take a class with Liberian social work students and working on a community development project with them. We will also get to travel to orphanages and small businesses. I am not officially excepted yet but hopefully this week we will find out. (I am hoping I have priority because I am a social work major and this is a social work based trip!)
Lastly, yesterday my cousin got married. I know it doesn't sound amazing but our family and their's are really close because my family is so small. It is great to add another girl to the family (we are currently outnumbered). Welcome to the family Lindsey! We love you and Ryan!
That is basically what is happening in my life and hopefully my posts will be somewhat regular now
Love to all.
There are people in my life that I don't think are helping to reach my goals and accomplishments. These are people that I haven't been friend with long, but I know that thy are not what real friends are supposed to be like. Since moving to first floor, basically everything has changed. The biggest change is that I feel loved. For the first time, I don't feel as if I need to try to change myself to be loved by others. They are just there. It's pretty insane coming after what happened in the last 6 months. I have even found housemates for next year. They are some of the most gracious and loving people I have ever met.
I am still unsure as to who I am exactly so I am remaining numb to things that could change me or hurt me. I am not trying to be egocentric or anything but the way in which I was hurt was not fair. It was so superficial and pointless that they didn't even know it was happening in a way. All they knew was what was making them happy and that obviously didn't include me. The feeling of rejection is fucking horrible. You feel worthless, unimportant and unloved; like they were putting on a show and they were the actors and actresses.
In the midst of all this feeling stuff I will share a few things that are going on in my life right now:
First, we (the girls I am living with) have almost found a house that we can live in starting in August. I am so excited to be out of the dorms and live with 3 amazing girls. Sure it feels like a long time from now but that leads me into my next point!
I AM PROBABLY GOING TO AFRICA! Liberia to be exact. During January I will hopefully be traveling there for 3 weeks to take a class with Liberian social work students and working on a community development project with them. We will also get to travel to orphanages and small businesses. I am not officially excepted yet but hopefully this week we will find out. (I am hoping I have priority because I am a social work major and this is a social work based trip!)
Lastly, yesterday my cousin got married. I know it doesn't sound amazing but our family and their's are really close because my family is so small. It is great to add another girl to the family (we are currently outnumbered). Welcome to the family Lindsey! We love you and Ryan!
That is basically what is happening in my life and hopefully my posts will be somewhat regular now
Love to all.
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