Remembering Chase

When you lose someone dear, you never forget.

There are times that I wish that God would  let us mourn for a period but then He would take that pain away and we never have to remember the bad, only the good.

But that is not what happens, you never forget.

Especially when something tragic happens, like Chase. What made it that she had to leave us so dramatically, so suddenly. And what makes it never stop hurting. I think about her everyday. The light she brought to everything and everyone.

Today, she would have been 21.

You never forget.



And you never should.

Twenty Minutes and Seven Songs

Disclaimer: This is a depressing post and complete throw up from my brain.

I just layed on the floor of my bedroom of twenty minutes. That's the kind of day it was today. My mental health is not taking it well. Honestly I think I over did it.

Went to two grocery stores looking for leaf bags
Had a house meeting in which one person talked the whole time
Raked wet moldy leaves into bags
Stopped after not even a third were picked up
Called my parents
Had a melt down because no one helped me
Tried to do homework
Watched a movie instead
Actually did homework
Watched some YouTube
Tried to eat dinner but wasn't hungry
Decided to  dust just about everything in my room
And then landed in the middle of room, on my back
All while seven songs just kept going...

Isn't it funny how humans work? I did all these things around people but yet I was still completely alone. No one spoke to me (except the phone call). No one needed my help. No one asked me anything. No one spoke to me for the entire day even though there were billions of billions of conversations happening around the world. Not one pertained to me and I don't think I give a damn. Sorry for the harsh language but it is true. Do you ever have those days? Where no one bugs you or no one needs you? I think I am starting to have more of them. No one expects anything from me. No one needs me. No one wants me. No one supports me. No one understands me. No one relays on me. And so I escape from life. I live life through the internet. The songs were online, this blog is online, the movie I watched was online. I life my life vicariously through my computer and my room. I don't think it is healthy. I don't think it right and yet I need it. I need to escape. Otherwise I will explode. We are taught to let our feelings out but I am afraid. Of the people that don't care. Of the people that do care. Of the people that don't know me. Of the people that I don't know. I'm a coward.

Fast Paced People

 There are some people that are slower. There are some people that do actions at a medium speed. And then there are people that are just plain fast. I am not sure if they mean to be but they just are. I guess I would consider myself medium paced but of course there are others that would say I am fast at everything.

One of my roommates is definitely fast paced. She is the only one if I really think about it. Just the way she does things but also fast paced at listening. I am not sure if that is really what it’s called but I am going to go with that. Oh wait; maybe I will phrase it selective hearing. Not in the way that that term is usually thought about-- only hearing what you want to hear, but rather doesn’t really take the time to listen well and actually comprehend what someone is saying. This mostly happens when she is preoccupied, which makes sense I guess. But I get the feeling that it could happen at any moment.

It is possible that she really just wants to say what is on her mind, which by the way I really like, but it could also be that she doesn’t agree with what you are saying. Fast paced listening. Selective listening. Is she proud? Is she arrogant? Is she right? Is she close-minded?

All of these things are being considered. I don’t think I will ever really understand where she is coming from but I can at least try. I don’t think I can quicken my pace, but maybe I can slow hers…

Other People

Sometimes I really don’t understand other people’s thinking. That’s a blanket statement but I just want to get it off my chest. It’s also a very superficial statement. I don’t want to hate on anyone but there are times where I have something to say so I am going to say it.

I don’t understand why people think the way they do. I think that is sometime that God created for a reason. We aren’t supposed to understand. He is the only one that really knows what people are thinking. Heck, he is the only one that knows what I really think without me understanding what I think. What?

I was listening to a friend today talk about another friend and what was going on with her as this new school year starts. Its hard to really listen to someone’s opinion without already having judged the situation and think about what you would do. Did that make sense? Probably not, but I guess this is for me.

I guess what I am saying is that without judging first a situation in which someone is making a decision that you wouldn’t, take time to learn about everyone else in the situation besides you and understand that you are not them. You are not them. YOU are not THEM.

(Sorry for the “blotchiness” of this post. As well as the rate type nature)

End of an Era

No, it’s not that I used up all my Era laundry detergent. It’s just that I moved out.

20 Years. 20 YEARS I have lived in the same house. We moved there when I was 3 months old so I don’t’ count that. I have never moved I have never really lived on my own. (Besides living in the dorms with 40 other girls and a Resident Director). This is the real deal. Paying bills, real deal. And I am nervous.

Of course I don’t show that I am nervous. What good would that do me? Move out and realize that I can’t do it. 

The house is great. It’s great except that it was supposed to be cleaned by the last tenants but apparently they have way different standards than I do, or of any for that matter. Let’s just say that that every time I walk across the floor my feet still get dirty. 

So tonight is the first night. And I want to go to bed but there is a cute boy in the house finishing cleaning the carpets. And it is loud. So I am writing this blog to make it seem like I am really invested in something, so that it is not awkward. But it seems to be making it more awkward.

No Internet. No people. No sound. Everything else. One week. Here goes nothing.

Solemn Listening

"When people talk, listen completely. Most people don't listen." ~Ernest Hemingway

It's been a weird couple of days. I'm not sure if solemn is the right word for what I am feeling but it will do.

I have done a lot of listening this week that has put a lot on my mind.

This might be TMI but just now I got out of the shower, got a towel, stared at myself in the mirror and just listened. I had music going, but I couldn't tell you what song it was. I was listening but I wasn't there in my head. I just listened?

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. A happy day for most. See how I said most? Not all.
Today has been rough for one of my close friends and soon to be housemates. Today has been rough for my suite mate. Today has been rough for many of my other acquaintances.
They don't have this happiness in their hearts. They are just solemn.

They are mourning. I could never imagine that. And so I listen.

Present

It's been a few months, a few hiccups in the road, a few breakdowns, a few losses, a few pick-me-ups, and a few realizations.

I am present. I am here. I am alive

I am present on earth. I am here for a purpose.  I am alive in promise.

People look at me, judge me, ignore me, talk to me. Everyday.

I am. I do. I see.

I am a child of God? I do what God has planned for me? I see where I am headed?

Is there ever a time that I am not present?

When I am shut away in my room. When I am shy. When I am irritable.

But I am still present in the world. I am here for attendance. I am here because I was put here.