Live On

This Is Not The End 

Gungor

This is not the end

This is not the end of this

We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last

This is not our last breath

We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright

Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end

This is not the end of us

We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

It's Gotten to This Point...

Current State: "There are days when I wake up and I don't know what I'm doing here. I barely recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror."

Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you cry and you need to just cry?

I wonder what goes through normal people’s minds when something that had happened in the past comes back and bites them in the butt? For me, I try not to care. Of course I’m not good at it but yet, I try. Not only have my insecurities taken over my whole damn life, but also I’ve come to realize they will never leave. When I go somewhere public I think everyone is looking at me. And what does that make me do? Put on a show. Do things I wouldn’t normally, not pay attention to what I’m working on, constantly think they are watching me. It’s a major problem and at this point in my life, its not going away anytime soon.

I sulk. I veg. I am numb. For the past two weeks nothing has changed. I think about what happened right before summer all the time. It takes over every thought I have. It’s all around me. When I check Facebook, I see all of the them with their green dots. They are all probably talking, I think. On Twitter they post pictures of their conversations and trips they went on together. Again. Without telling me. And yet I act the same, I act like nothing changed. This summer did nothing for our relationships. I don’t know why I stay. No, I actually do. It’s the damn trust issues. I can’t sleep without knowing that there are people that think about me. I need that. I stay and talk because I need the connection. I want to feel like I am wanted here in this world. This world full of connections. This world of over 6 billion. This world of quiet rage. This world of holding it in.  This world of letting it out.

Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you cry and you need to just cry?

Numb

I don’t really know what is happening to me. This is not me over analyzing like I usually do. I just don’t feel right now, if that makes any sense. I’m numb. Numb to everyone. Numb to my parents lives, numb to my friends (although I do hang out with them often), numb to my sister and her new boyfriend, just numb. I’m sure others have gone through this same feeling. It’s just weird because of how I got here. I’ve never had the experiences before and they hurt. More than ever I don’t care. And that is not right. I know me, and caring is what I do. I’m not tooting my own horn but caring is what I was made to do. I feel numb to the outside world. Everything I am doing. And that’s what’s weird. I am doing but I am not feeling. Not being pulled in one direction, not wanting to move anywhere. Stuck. Stuck and numb.

It’s not a good combination.

All Emotions are Beautiful

"In The Embers"
Sleeping At Last

We live and we die
Like fireworks
Our legacies hide
In the embers
May our stories catch fire
And burn bright enough
To catch God's eye

We live and we die

Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can

May we live and we die
A valorous life
May we write it all down
In cursive light
So we pray we were made
In the image of a figure eight

May we live and die

Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can

Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can

Continuing

I've been back from my 2 week vacation now for a week. As much as I miss all my friends out of state and had a blast with them on vacation, I missed home. I didn't think I would but there is something comfortable here. I've always been one for leaving Michigan and exploring possibilities in other states, but coming home to my family and my friends here makes me rethink. Of my family, I am the outcast; not in a bad way I don't think. I just think differently. My parents both believe in sticking to something you're good at and are strong believers in safety. They want stability. All the time. This, I think was healthy for me as a kid, but as I grow up I'm not so sure. I want to find things I love. This could be some stable job or who knows, maybe its a program like YWAM or the Peace Corps (Look them up, they are awesome organizations!).  These are things totally unstable. My sister is different even from my parents. She wants to stay here, but have an job that is unconventional in our family. Teaching public or alternative high school. She wants to make a difference. She and I are similar in that way.

So I'm home and continuing. Totally unstable; except for my online class and volunteering. I am going with flow (whatever that means) and being somewhat unexpected. Main priorities are school and friends. I've realized that if I don't ask questions, nothing can come of what I want. This week I will ask my parents about this. Dreams, goals and jobs seem lofty but who knows, maybe they have been here before. I will also ask about a tattoo. There I go, being unexpected.

Sidenote, (Warning: Cheeseball Alert): I had a fantastic 4th of July with my friends! They are so fun, get me and are so similar to me. We always have crazy parties and just love being together. I love them with all my heart and they will always be a part of my life.