Current State: "There are days when I wake up and I don't know what I'm doing here. I barely recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror."
Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you cry and you need to just cry?
Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you cry and you need to just cry?
I wonder what goes through normal people’s minds when
something that had happened in the past comes back and bites them in the butt?
For me, I try not to care. Of course I’m not good at it but yet, I try. Not
only have my insecurities taken over my whole damn life, but also I’ve come to
realize they will never leave. When I go somewhere public I think everyone is
looking at me. And what does that make me do? Put on a show. Do things I wouldn’t
normally, not pay attention to what I’m working on, constantly think they are
watching me. It’s a major problem and at this point in my life, its not going
away anytime soon.
I sulk. I veg. I am numb. For the past two weeks nothing has
changed. I think about what happened right before summer all the time. It takes
over every thought I have. It’s all around me. When I check Facebook, I see all
of the them with their green dots. They are all probably talking, I think. On
Twitter they post pictures of their conversations and trips they went on
together. Again. Without telling me. And yet I act the same, I act like nothing
changed. This summer did nothing for our relationships. I don’t know why I
stay. No, I actually do. It’s the damn trust issues. I can’t sleep without
knowing that there are people that think about me. I need that. I stay and talk
because I need the connection. I want to feel like I am wanted here in this
world. This world full of connections. This world of over 6 billion. This world
of quiet rage. This world of holding it in. This world of letting it out.
Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you
cry and you need to just cry?
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