Getting My Hopes Up

I’ve always been one for getting excited about things. Maybe too much sometimes. If they don’t end up happening I get really hurt or disappointed because I built up in my mind how I thought something would be. Expectations are not always reality and I forget that. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if didn’t “hype things up” in my mind and just go with whatever happens. I think it would help with the whole trust issues (of which I have plenty). It’s hard to understand and it stupid as none other but I worry. I worry that my friends talk to each other and not me, plan things without me, or just plan take advantage of me. Its obviously from my high school years, which sucks because I don’ t want to be like this. I didn’t choose to be like this. I just am.

I still haven’t heard back from Boston. It’s gotten to the point of just being frustrating now. So with what is coming up (possible trip to Toronto with my sister, looking for volunteering positions) I vow to not build it up to something it might not be, because lately things have not been what I expected. It’s somewhat morbid but I think it has to be done. 

The Waiting Period

Current Emotions: Confused and Waiting


I have an opportunity to go to Boston for a paid position. The job would entail me in Boston for the whole summer, working with youth groups at different service areas around the neighborhood. Painting, landscape and relationships would be my whole summer. It is very short notice, meaning I would leave this Saturday if I get the job. But I haven't heard back yet. I talked to my friend that has worked at the organization before and is in Boston now and she said they were really busy. I still just want them to call me. Even if it is a no. The waiting period is not fun.

I thought this was where God wanted me to be. He hasn't provided any feedback yet... How am I supposed to wait if I know that this is what is supposed to happen? Maybe I am wrong?

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.” 
~Elisabeth Elliot

My Mind Is

Just a poem that got me thinking today...

My Mind Is
my mind is
a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and
taste and smell and hearing and sight keep hitting and 
chipping with sharp fatal tools
in an agony of sensual chisels i perform squirms of
chrome and execute strides of cobalt
nevertheless i feel that i cleverly am being altered that i slightly am
becoming something a little different, in fact
myself
Hereupon helpless i utter lilac shrieks and scarlet
bellowings.

ee cummings 

Fresh Start

It's been almost 2 years. That is crazy. I started this blog because I thought it would be cool. WRONG reason to start one. Over the past year or so, I have grown up. A lot. So, this is me vowing to use this space as an outlet for emotions, venting and just for the pure enjoyment of writing (which as it seems I have come to enjoy). A new title and background will suffice for the "fresh start" and I am not going to post regularly, just as I thought I would before. I don't really know where to begin but I think the people I have met and friends I have kept at the beginning of college and through my first year, is a good place to start.

So here it begins...

College...

It has already been a crazy ride and I am sure it will continue.

The cast I consider my "closest friends at college" consist of Rachel, Maggie, Anne, Kayla, Amanda, Jared, Andrew, and oddly enough my RA Amelia. (If you find this blog anyone...I hope you enjoy it because you make my life amazing.)

I still have my high school crew; Ellen, Elyse, Maria, Shannon, Bri, Lindsey, and Jodi, although we are all busy. But we will always be us. Crazy, energetic, weird, not understandable to others... In fact, the last three days describe that list pretty well. We have hung out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. (We may have gone to T-Bell all three of those.) Whenever some of us get together, it can get a little crazy...singing and dancing may commence, hair being braided together, and a lot of screaming.... A LOT. We will always be around each other because we are similar. A few of us will be getting a house together junior year and I can not wait to move in with the people that understand me.

The cast at college is another story. And a story it is. After moving into my dorm (SE dynasty!), the entire dorm went on a retreat after one of the first weeks of school. I was hesitant to go because I really hadn't made any friends by that point. I had talked to a few of the girls on my floor but not on a personal level. Not until the River Tooth walks. We were grouped into two people. The sophomores were told to choose a freshman and who picked me? None other than Rachel. So that is where it began. A walk around a camp, both sharing our sob stories from high school about switching friends and broken relationships. She understood me because she went through the same thing. I will never forget that night. And so, we traveled back to campus and we hung out more and more. Rachel introduced me to some of her dance friends, and others that she had met freshman year. Yes, I don't have many freshman friends because of this but age doesn't matter. So first semester was through and interim had begun. I think I met Jared for the first time while Rachel and I were picking up a fellow floor mate from the airport just before first semester had ended. He was awesome and musical. The type of person I mesh well with. Andrew, his roommate and basically the same person as Jared was, was in my Interim class but we had not met each other before. Soon enough Jared and Rachel began dating and the four of us hung out a lot. It felt so nice to be included in things (because the first three years of high school sucked.) We had our moment of immaturity, fights and falling outs but I know in my heart that God put them in my life to make it better (maybe not right away), to change me (into what I want to be), and to help me learn (what I want to do in my life). If you guys are reading this, Thank you.

Our story will continue, with Rachel, Kayla, Anne and Amanda moving into a house together, Maggie going to Ghana, and Jared, Andrew and I (all as sophomores) still on campus in the dorms (I am moving from 3rd floor to 1st floor). It is going to be hard because the girls won't be right down the hall from me, but I have hope; that we will all still be the messed up, wacky, insane, happy family that we all love to be.

So those are the people that are in my life. Summer is here and most of them live out of state (it is really sad), so I am only able to talk to them through texting, Facebook chat and Google+ hangouts. I am planning some visits to some of them, but God might have me going in a different direction, which I will save for another post.