Everything is Coming to Fruition...

After the Christmas season (which was wonderful btw.), I am now counting down the days until I get on a flight to Atlanta, and then a 12-hour flight to Liberia. I am oddly calm about the whole thing and it is sort of scaring me. The last time I went out of the country it was the summer after my junior year of high school and I went to the Dominican Republic (I may have written post back when this blog was in ruins haha). It has been quite awhile since then, but I am calm. I am sure I will not be on January 4 when I leave for 3 weeks in a place that is brand new to me. Of course I will not be alone in this endeavor as one of my close friends, Tiffany, will be joining me. I am excited for the experience and who knows, maybe International Social Work is something that God puts on my heart.

Enough about me and more about another close friend Meg. I am off to a visitation for her mom. She passed away on Christmas Eve. I cannot begin to explain what a surprise it was. She had only just gotten sick at the time of Thanksgiving, and now she is gone. Although I did not get to meet her myself, Meg is a wonderful girl and I can tell how much influence she had in Meg's life (Meg, if you are reading this, please know that I will always be here for you and you have and will always be in my heart forever dear). This situation strikes me as interesting. No one wants to lose someone on Christmas Eve, or for that matter, ever. Meg is someone who I look up to. She is strong and courageous and unbelievably smart. She is open and honest and shares what she is thinking. I have seen her flourish. Why is she not rewarded for that? Instead, her mother is taken away? I don't really get it. Sure people will say "Oh it was God's plan and He needs her in Heaven", but it doesn't make sense. This leaves strong people alone, with no help on earth God is taking away someone that is in someone else's plan. God's plan for Meg is in need of people to surround her with support. Her mother had to have been a part of that. For me, I would want to know why that is and why it plays out that way…

There is peace surrounding the family and peace in the seasonal air because she got to see Jesus on Christmas day. How amazing would that be! 

12:10 AM

It's 12:10 am. Everyone is sleeping except for me, per usual.  I don't really know what I am going to say but I guess I should write something….

Life is just going. Exams are done, school is done for a while, I leave for Liberia in 15 days, I have a lot to do, I am just living. No stress, no regrets or ragrets, if you've seen We're the Millers :)

I guess I have a few things to get off of my heart:
I always talk about this but my life has changed so much since the horrible summer. There are people no longer in my life that pulled me down. I don't see them or really talk to them anymore. But I still think about them. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. I think about how they hurt me, how they are not what I want to become; greedy, self-centered, not thoughtful people. I know it is wrong to think about it that way, but I didn't used to think like that when I was with them. I think they need prayer. They are not what the can live up to be. They struggle just like me. And so I will offer up one last prayer for them. Prayer that they might realize their potential, prayer that they won't be so negative, prayer that they get on the right track.

I know now that I was finding myself when I was with them. I DID NOT change for them. They had no influence in the choices I made with them. They were simply the means to make the choices happened. I don't what to admit it, but I used them. And I was the one hurt. That part is my fault for not knowing earlier. The other part was them.

And so it is that my heart hurts. It hurts because of what happened, it hurts for them, it hurts for anyone in my situation. And so it is that my heart will still hurt for quite a long time.

On a lighter note, I have a place to live next year and 3 lovely girls of which I share most of my life with. I don't have to find myself because they accept me for whoever I am. Whatever I am like. They accept me AS ME.

Maybe God is actually looking out for me.

It Has Arrived...

It is that time of the year. Semesters are ending and finals are just beginning. This year I have 5 finals. COUNT THEM! 5! What sort of crazy institution am I in. College. That's what. Every semester I get surprised by them and I don't think I will ever be ready.

It's not the actual finals that get me stressed, it's that I have no motivation to study beforehand. I don't like school and so I never want to study. Sometimes I wish I could just go in without studying and see how I do. ( I know for a fact I would fail, but the temptation is high). I hate being unprepared, which is my downfall.

So this finals week (and a half) I hope to relax. It is hard to do so when 5 3-hour long finals stand in my way of Chirstmas and…..

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU! I AM GOING TO AFRICA!

Liberia to be exact. The three full weeks of January I will be going to Monrovia, Liberia. The capital city and home to two thirds of the population. I will be taking a Social Work class with Liberian social work students and 7 other Calvin students, taught by two Calvin professors. I can not wait to see what God is doing in my life and the life of many Liberian people. I will hopefully post more when I am there and afterwards!

So I have my motivation. Africa.

That Time of the Year...

(Warning: this is totally a stupid, short, low self-image post)

Usually I have ok skin. I never really get pimples or breakout. EXCEPT WHEN I AM STRESSED!

It is one of the most annoying thing. Ever.

When I get stressed I get one pimple. In the middle of my forehead. It is so awkward. I pop it and it just comes back. Even bigger. I really should just get over it because it happens to everyone. It is such a natural thing to go through.

I think what gets me is that I notice it. All the time. I constantly think about it. It is alway in my mind. 

I worry. I am a worrier. I am a warrior.

“...for once, you believed in yourself. you believed you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world.” 

Sarah Dessen- Keeping the Moon

About to Explode...

"Say Something"

A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

This is Life

From where I came from, 3 months ago, I would say I am in a good place. I have amazing friends. I have a new place to live next year with new and wonderful girls. I have such a loving family. I have a new outlook on life

Except for one thing...

I keep going back to them. It's like they still include me and go sometimes but its not the same. No one acts the same, its sort of awkward, and no one really talks about what we used to. It's insanely stupid of me to continue this little charade of a friendship. They hurt me and yet I still think it can go back to how it was. But it NEVER will. NEVER. I've already said yes to one more thing, and soon after I will brea the chain (metaphorically of course). They obviously don't care about me, and I am too busy and caught up in my new life to even care anymore. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT. I say it to myself constantly. THEY NEVER WILL BE. They are too caught up in themselves and each other to notice what they did and how different it has been since we were all apart during summer.

So heres to stopping cold turkey, maybe they won't understand but I do. It's for my health. It's for my fresh start.
Heres to new friends who care and explore. Heres to "out with the old and in with the new."

Empty Yet Overflowing

Sorry for the delay, but I am back at it again. I was just trying to have a smooth transition back into classes and schoolwork.

Since I have been gone:

I have started classes!

I have met TONS of new people!

I have turned 20!

I have thought (a lot!)

I am being open. Open to the possibilities. Open to the freedom of choice. Open to getting hurt for the benefit, in the end. There have been some changes in my life that I pray and hope are for the better.

There are people in my life that I don't think are helping to reach my goals and accomplishments. These are people that I haven't been friend with long, but I know that thy are not what real friends are supposed to be like. Since moving to first floor, basically everything has changed. The biggest change is that I feel loved. For the first time, I don't feel as if I need to try to change myself to be loved by others. They are just there. It's pretty insane coming after what happened in the last 6 months. I have even found housemates for next year. They are some of the most gracious and loving people I have ever met.

I am still unsure as to who I am exactly so I am remaining numb to things that could change me or hurt me. I am not trying to be egocentric or anything but the way in which I was hurt was not fair. It was so superficial and pointless that they didn't even know it was happening in a way. All they knew was what was making them happy and that obviously didn't include me. The feeling of rejection is fucking horrible. You feel worthless, unimportant and unloved; like they were putting on a show and they were the actors and actresses.

In the midst of all this feeling stuff I will share a few things that are going on in my life right now:

First, we (the girls I am living with) have almost found a house that we can live in starting in August. I am so excited to be out of the dorms and live with 3 amazing girls. Sure it feels like a long time from now but that leads me into my next point!

I AM PROBABLY GOING TO AFRICA! Liberia to be exact. During January I will hopefully be traveling there for 3 weeks to take a class with Liberian social work students and working on a community development project with them. We will also get to travel to orphanages and small businesses. I am not officially excepted yet but hopefully this week we will find out. (I am hoping I have priority because I am a social work major and this is a social work based trip!)

Lastly, yesterday my cousin got married. I know it doesn't sound amazing but our family and their's are really close because my family is so small. It is great to add another girl to the family (we are currently outnumbered). Welcome to the family Lindsey! We love you and Ryan!

That is basically what is happening in my life and hopefully my posts will be somewhat regular now

Love to all.

Back At It

So I am back at college and nothing prepared me for what was to come. I knew when I moved back in everything was going to be different but even the presence of being here is different. The people are different, I am not the youngest anymore. Dorm stuff starts today with awkward mixers and classes start tomorrow along with the awkward introductions. I think I am ready for the challenges of school but maybe not for the relationships. On the outside I want to branch out; the girls on my floor are amazing as well as my new RA Rachel. But on the inside, I am still the scared little freshman I was last year. I know more people this year and its nice to know where I am going instead of everything being a maze. Work starts next week but I think it will be a nice break from school because it helps me clear my head. My weeks will be full no doubt, but my heart is not. Something is missing and from what I can tell.... Well I can't tell. There is something that I don't realize is important or has to come first in my life. I am waiting to hear, see or experience what is in store for me. In the meantime, I am here. I am safe. I am present.

Disappointing Disrespect

It's the second time. The second time I trusted them and they let me down. They apparently don't care about our friendship. They blatantly let me down and are now pretending like nothing has happened. Well, I will be civil and see them once in a while, but they aren'y worth my time. People that pull you down over and over are not worth it. I've tried and put in the most amount of effort, but I am exhausted in every possible way.

Something Different

I’ve had enough ranting about my messed up life for a while. All of that is superficial and I’ve realized that no matter how hard I try to fix everything, there will always be something that I am not happy with. It’s just life, and as cheesy as it is, its true; it will get better.

So, on to other pressing matters. Not really. But it is something I have been thinking about lately.

I love to write. I guess it runs in the family because both my dad and my sister love to write. My sister was the editor of our college’s newspaper and now, after she graduated she helps organize and write for a blog of graduates and early career starters. I am definitely not as good as her but it is still something I love to do. I may not have all the mechanics down and rules of grammar, but it make me happy. For me, writing is an out for any type of stress or confusion (music is the same way for me but that will be another post).  It gives m freedom to say what I want. Because I am not the most vocal about my feelings and like to keep stuff bottled up and drama free, writing is there for me to let it out. The English language can be beautiful and life changing. One sentence can be influential in someone’s life. I want to always strive to do that someone else because I have had that with many writers and poets. Creating something that has never been said before is exhilarating. It’s your own. You created it into being. Writing is an outlet for words to be put together. I also believe they are meant to be shared. Although I don’t read enough, publishing is necessary. Writing is necessary for people to gain knowledge, necessary for creativeness, and even for emotions. It gets people to think (like I hope this post is doing!). Writing is everything or whatever you need it to be for yourself. So I will continue to do it. When I need break, I will pull up a blank document or pull out a pen and paper. And write.

The Hardest of Days

If I’m writing honest, today was by far the worst day this summer. Let’s begin with this morning. I woke up late and felt groggy all morning. I say woke up late because I was supposed to take a test for my online history class at 10:00am. But instead I took it at 11:30. Not only that but when I went to submit the test, something must have happened and I am still not sure to this minute if my professor has my answers to the test, and we only get to take it once. On to the next thing; I was hoping to get some money for some books that I used last semester. I went to school and how much money do I get for 5 books? 7 fricken dollars, not ok. (That is superficial but hey, I paid quite a bit more for them then that). The next thing was more sad then frustrating. Maggie is leaving tomorrow for Ghana. I won’t see her for 7 months. Today I had to say goodbye and it wasn’t pretty. That’s all about that. And last but not least, at the dinner table we talked about my dog. She is a very old and showing signs of that “oldness” that are becoming more and more apparent. Of course my mom cried and wanted us all to go to the vet to find out all the problems that she has. That dog has been with us for 13 years. That is 13 years of my 19 years. I was 6 when we got her for Christmas and now I’m not sure she will be with me while I go on to my 20^th year. So that was my day today. Thank you for reading my rant. It is much appreciated. I am now going to play music, then surround myself in pillows and watch movies. What a fun Friday night, huh?

Current State

"Vous Etes Mon Coure (You Are My Heart)"

Gungor

Where have you hidden yourself oh my beloved
You fled having wounded
I pursued but you had gone

In search of you my darling I would scale the highest clouds
Scour wooded valleys, roaring torrents whispering gales

Vous etes mon coeur

When you first regarded me
Your eyes filled me with grace
Thereby again my eyes
Merited to adore you

Vous etes mon coeur

Live On

This Is Not The End 

Gungor

This is not the end

This is not the end of this

We will open our eyes wide, wider

This is not our last

This is not our last breath

We will open our mouths wide, wider

And you know you’ll be alright

Oh and you know you’ll be alright

This is not the end

This is not the end of us

We will shine like the stars bright, brighter

It's Gotten to This Point...

Current State: "There are days when I wake up and I don't know what I'm doing here. I barely recognize the pair of eyes staring back at me in the mirror."

Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you cry and you need to just cry?

I wonder what goes through normal people’s minds when something that had happened in the past comes back and bites them in the butt? For me, I try not to care. Of course I’m not good at it but yet, I try. Not only have my insecurities taken over my whole damn life, but also I’ve come to realize they will never leave. When I go somewhere public I think everyone is looking at me. And what does that make me do? Put on a show. Do things I wouldn’t normally, not pay attention to what I’m working on, constantly think they are watching me. It’s a major problem and at this point in my life, its not going away anytime soon.

I sulk. I veg. I am numb. For the past two weeks nothing has changed. I think about what happened right before summer all the time. It takes over every thought I have. It’s all around me. When I check Facebook, I see all of the them with their green dots. They are all probably talking, I think. On Twitter they post pictures of their conversations and trips they went on together. Again. Without telling me. And yet I act the same, I act like nothing changed. This summer did nothing for our relationships. I don’t know why I stay. No, I actually do. It’s the damn trust issues. I can’t sleep without knowing that there are people that think about me. I need that. I stay and talk because I need the connection. I want to feel like I am wanted here in this world. This world full of connections. This world of over 6 billion. This world of quiet rage. This world of holding it in.  This world of letting it out.

Have you ever watched a movie because you know it makes you cry and you need to just cry?

Numb

I don’t really know what is happening to me. This is not me over analyzing like I usually do. I just don’t feel right now, if that makes any sense. I’m numb. Numb to everyone. Numb to my parents lives, numb to my friends (although I do hang out with them often), numb to my sister and her new boyfriend, just numb. I’m sure others have gone through this same feeling. It’s just weird because of how I got here. I’ve never had the experiences before and they hurt. More than ever I don’t care. And that is not right. I know me, and caring is what I do. I’m not tooting my own horn but caring is what I was made to do. I feel numb to the outside world. Everything I am doing. And that’s what’s weird. I am doing but I am not feeling. Not being pulled in one direction, not wanting to move anywhere. Stuck. Stuck and numb.

It’s not a good combination.

All Emotions are Beautiful

"In The Embers"
Sleeping At Last

We live and we die
Like fireworks
Our legacies hide
In the embers
May our stories catch fire
And burn bright enough
To catch God's eye

We live and we die

Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can

May we live and we die
A valorous life
May we write it all down
In cursive light
So we pray we were made
In the image of a figure eight

May we live and die

Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can

Like fireworks
We pull apart the dark
Compete against the stars
With all of our hearts
Till our temporary brilliance turns to ash
We pull apart the darkness while we can

Continuing

I've been back from my 2 week vacation now for a week. As much as I miss all my friends out of state and had a blast with them on vacation, I missed home. I didn't think I would but there is something comfortable here. I've always been one for leaving Michigan and exploring possibilities in other states, but coming home to my family and my friends here makes me rethink. Of my family, I am the outcast; not in a bad way I don't think. I just think differently. My parents both believe in sticking to something you're good at and are strong believers in safety. They want stability. All the time. This, I think was healthy for me as a kid, but as I grow up I'm not so sure. I want to find things I love. This could be some stable job or who knows, maybe its a program like YWAM or the Peace Corps (Look them up, they are awesome organizations!).  These are things totally unstable. My sister is different even from my parents. She wants to stay here, but have an job that is unconventional in our family. Teaching public or alternative high school. She wants to make a difference. She and I are similar in that way.

So I'm home and continuing. Totally unstable; except for my online class and volunteering. I am going with flow (whatever that means) and being somewhat unexpected. Main priorities are school and friends. I've realized that if I don't ask questions, nothing can come of what I want. This week I will ask my parents about this. Dreams, goals and jobs seem lofty but who knows, maybe they have been here before. I will also ask about a tattoo. There I go, being unexpected.

Sidenote, (Warning: Cheeseball Alert): I had a fantastic 4th of July with my friends! They are so fun, get me and are so similar to me. We always have crazy parties and just love being together. I love them with all my heart and they will always be a part of my life.

The In-between

Loving someone is a hard thing. Even liking someone is hard. But when you have to “quite cold turkey” it is the worst thing in the world. Yes, its happening to me this summer...what else is new. I say that because I fell into a cycle of liking guys then knowing it won’t work and having to stop liking them. It happens every year. I’ll be the first one to admit, I am horrible with guys. I also admit I was never asked to a dance, or been on a date with a guy. I wouldn’t say I am mad or even sad about it but its just a little bit frustrating knowing that I am feeling more and more confident about myself and my body and it seems as though no one is noticing. I’m not pining for a boyfriend but sometimes its nice not to be a third wheel or help friends get ready for dates with their boyfriends of one or two years. I guess what I am trying to say is that I’m lonely.  Most of my friends are working or out of state and I am stuck at home; sitting on my ass and not being productive with my life. Sure my summer class starts soon but its not going to take over every weekday or weekend. I will have free time. The cycle continues. I’m stuck between liking and losing someone. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Again. I’m in-between liking myself and feeling sorry for myself when I should be involved in other things. So once again, I'm stuck.

Trips

I'm back from my first of three trips!! This past Sunday my sister and I headed out east 6 hours in a car to Toronto, Ontario. It was fantastic. Something that I really needed to get my mind off stuff at home.
We have never been to Toronto so it was great fun trying to figure out where everything was and how to use the subway. I am so proud of us because we never got lost! Impressive for two young adults that are directionally challenged.
Anyways, when we got there around 4 we headed out to the waterfront which they call Harbourfronte Centre. It was GORGEOUS! Old boats lined the many harbours with shops and people everywhere. We just walked around and ate dinner, then walked back to our hostel.
Day Two was rainy. ALL DAY. Luckily we had planned to go to two museums that day so it worked out well. The Royal Ontario Museum was so big! There was mostly natural history and contintental history sections. We saw many animals (taxidermy of course) and they had an artificial bat cave which was also really cool. We spent most of the day there, then headed to the Design Exchange museum. This was only one exhibit full of Canadian artists sharing their favorite works. Many chose old time radios and stereos. It was simple but also cool. By this time it was still raining so we trekked through Toronto's underground tunnels to get to the Eaton Center Shopping Mall. IT WAS HUGE and fantastic. Did some shopping and sat down to decide what to do next. Still raining. So we walked outside to get to a HUGE movie theater. We saw Now You See Me! It was amazing.
Day Three was nice! It was also the day we were leaving :( But we still headed to Allan Gardens in the center of downtown Toronto. Basically a small scale Canadian style Fredrick Meijer Gardens for those of you who know Grand Rapids' largest green house and sculpture park. We walked around there and then headed to a restaurant with wifi so we could get directions for the way back home. We shared an amazing breakfast burrito! And that was it. We got in the car and drove back to G-Rap.

I mentioned it was the first trip. The second will be on Tuesday with Maggie! We are headed to Ohio to see Amanda, Rachel, and as of late Andrew who will be coming down from Massachusetts and will stay at Amanda's house for a bit with us!

The third will be camping with my family! This will be when I get back on Saturday from Ohio. I will drive over to Grand Haven and stay at the Christian Reformed Conference Grounds with my family and friends from our church and bible study. I alway look forward to it because the lifestyle is so chill.  love not worrying about anything.

That is the rest of my June and in July I start my online class (ick) and volunteering!

Wallflowers

I recently found one of my favorite books after unpacking from college. Perks of Being a Wallflower  by Stephen Chbosky. I am slowing beginning to re-read it and this time it describes me even more.


“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

“I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

The main character goes through hard times with friends, so he uses what they do to fit in. I feel as though  I am doing the same thing with some of my new friends from college. I really have to reevaluate what I want from the relationships I've made. I love where I am at with certain people in my life but there are some relationships that are not healthy and I squirm every time we talk or post something.  

I don't want to just be there, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be a wallflower. On the sideline of everything. So this summer chapter of my life is a time where I really need to evaluate what I want. What I want from friends, family and myself. 

Being Proud

Lately I feel like my parents are disappointed in me. I have a problem getting motivated to do things. Yes, I know that. But it seems like. Every. Single. Day. My parents remind me I need to get started on summer plans or job plans. I feel like they think I am stupid. It might be because my sister is doing so well. She recently graduated and she just secured a summer jobs teaching at a local community center. BUT I AM NOT HER. She is smart, overachieving, and intellectual. I am immature and don’t go about things they way she or my parents would go about something. I live in her shadow. I have issues with talking on the phone and meeting with strangers but my parents don’t care. I am a homebody and hate going out places, but my parents don’t care. I know they love me but they get on my nerves and they make me feel so disappointed in myself and disappointed in them for not understanding my problems. It is hard to transition from college being on my own to living with my parents again. They know most of my business because I want to share it with them but sometimes I think they take it over. 

Getting My Hopes Up

I’ve always been one for getting excited about things. Maybe too much sometimes. If they don’t end up happening I get really hurt or disappointed because I built up in my mind how I thought something would be. Expectations are not always reality and I forget that. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if didn’t “hype things up” in my mind and just go with whatever happens. I think it would help with the whole trust issues (of which I have plenty). It’s hard to understand and it stupid as none other but I worry. I worry that my friends talk to each other and not me, plan things without me, or just plan take advantage of me. Its obviously from my high school years, which sucks because I don’ t want to be like this. I didn’t choose to be like this. I just am.

I still haven’t heard back from Boston. It’s gotten to the point of just being frustrating now. So with what is coming up (possible trip to Toronto with my sister, looking for volunteering positions) I vow to not build it up to something it might not be, because lately things have not been what I expected. It’s somewhat morbid but I think it has to be done. 

The Waiting Period

Current Emotions: Confused and Waiting


I have an opportunity to go to Boston for a paid position. The job would entail me in Boston for the whole summer, working with youth groups at different service areas around the neighborhood. Painting, landscape and relationships would be my whole summer. It is very short notice, meaning I would leave this Saturday if I get the job. But I haven't heard back yet. I talked to my friend that has worked at the organization before and is in Boston now and she said they were really busy. I still just want them to call me. Even if it is a no. The waiting period is not fun.

I thought this was where God wanted me to be. He hasn't provided any feedback yet... How am I supposed to wait if I know that this is what is supposed to happen? Maybe I am wrong?

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.” 
~Elisabeth Elliot

My Mind Is

Just a poem that got me thinking today...

My Mind Is
my mind is
a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and
taste and smell and hearing and sight keep hitting and 
chipping with sharp fatal tools
in an agony of sensual chisels i perform squirms of
chrome and execute strides of cobalt
nevertheless i feel that i cleverly am being altered that i slightly am
becoming something a little different, in fact
myself
Hereupon helpless i utter lilac shrieks and scarlet
bellowings.

ee cummings