The In-between

Loving someone is a hard thing. Even liking someone is hard. But when you have to “quite cold turkey” it is the worst thing in the world. Yes, its happening to me this summer...what else is new. I say that because I fell into a cycle of liking guys then knowing it won’t work and having to stop liking them. It happens every year. I’ll be the first one to admit, I am horrible with guys. I also admit I was never asked to a dance, or been on a date with a guy. I wouldn’t say I am mad or even sad about it but its just a little bit frustrating knowing that I am feeling more and more confident about myself and my body and it seems as though no one is noticing. I’m not pining for a boyfriend but sometimes its nice not to be a third wheel or help friends get ready for dates with their boyfriends of one or two years. I guess what I am trying to say is that I’m lonely.  Most of my friends are working or out of state and I am stuck at home; sitting on my ass and not being productive with my life. Sure my summer class starts soon but its not going to take over every weekday or weekend. I will have free time. The cycle continues. I’m stuck between liking and losing someone. I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Again. I’m in-between liking myself and feeling sorry for myself when I should be involved in other things. So once again, I'm stuck.

Trips

I'm back from my first of three trips!! This past Sunday my sister and I headed out east 6 hours in a car to Toronto, Ontario. It was fantastic. Something that I really needed to get my mind off stuff at home.
We have never been to Toronto so it was great fun trying to figure out where everything was and how to use the subway. I am so proud of us because we never got lost! Impressive for two young adults that are directionally challenged.
Anyways, when we got there around 4 we headed out to the waterfront which they call Harbourfronte Centre. It was GORGEOUS! Old boats lined the many harbours with shops and people everywhere. We just walked around and ate dinner, then walked back to our hostel.
Day Two was rainy. ALL DAY. Luckily we had planned to go to two museums that day so it worked out well. The Royal Ontario Museum was so big! There was mostly natural history and contintental history sections. We saw many animals (taxidermy of course) and they had an artificial bat cave which was also really cool. We spent most of the day there, then headed to the Design Exchange museum. This was only one exhibit full of Canadian artists sharing their favorite works. Many chose old time radios and stereos. It was simple but also cool. By this time it was still raining so we trekked through Toronto's underground tunnels to get to the Eaton Center Shopping Mall. IT WAS HUGE and fantastic. Did some shopping and sat down to decide what to do next. Still raining. So we walked outside to get to a HUGE movie theater. We saw Now You See Me! It was amazing.
Day Three was nice! It was also the day we were leaving :( But we still headed to Allan Gardens in the center of downtown Toronto. Basically a small scale Canadian style Fredrick Meijer Gardens for those of you who know Grand Rapids' largest green house and sculpture park. We walked around there and then headed to a restaurant with wifi so we could get directions for the way back home. We shared an amazing breakfast burrito! And that was it. We got in the car and drove back to G-Rap.

I mentioned it was the first trip. The second will be on Tuesday with Maggie! We are headed to Ohio to see Amanda, Rachel, and as of late Andrew who will be coming down from Massachusetts and will stay at Amanda's house for a bit with us!

The third will be camping with my family! This will be when I get back on Saturday from Ohio. I will drive over to Grand Haven and stay at the Christian Reformed Conference Grounds with my family and friends from our church and bible study. I alway look forward to it because the lifestyle is so chill.  love not worrying about anything.

That is the rest of my June and in July I start my online class (ick) and volunteering!

Wallflowers

I recently found one of my favorite books after unpacking from college. Perks of Being a Wallflower  by Stephen Chbosky. I am slowing beginning to re-read it and this time it describes me even more.


“So, I guess we are who we are for alot of reasons. And maybe we'll never know most of them. But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. We can still do things. And we can try to feel okay about them.” 

“I am both happy and sad at the same time, and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be.” 

The main character goes through hard times with friends, so he uses what they do to fit in. I feel as though  I am doing the same thing with some of my new friends from college. I really have to reevaluate what I want from the relationships I've made. I love where I am at with certain people in my life but there are some relationships that are not healthy and I squirm every time we talk or post something.  

I don't want to just be there, if you know what I mean. I don't want to be a wallflower. On the sideline of everything. So this summer chapter of my life is a time where I really need to evaluate what I want. What I want from friends, family and myself. 

Being Proud

Lately I feel like my parents are disappointed in me. I have a problem getting motivated to do things. Yes, I know that. But it seems like. Every. Single. Day. My parents remind me I need to get started on summer plans or job plans. I feel like they think I am stupid. It might be because my sister is doing so well. She recently graduated and she just secured a summer jobs teaching at a local community center. BUT I AM NOT HER. She is smart, overachieving, and intellectual. I am immature and don’t go about things they way she or my parents would go about something. I live in her shadow. I have issues with talking on the phone and meeting with strangers but my parents don’t care. I am a homebody and hate going out places, but my parents don’t care. I know they love me but they get on my nerves and they make me feel so disappointed in myself and disappointed in them for not understanding my problems. It is hard to transition from college being on my own to living with my parents again. They know most of my business because I want to share it with them but sometimes I think they take it over.