Everything is Coming to Fruition...

After the Christmas season (which was wonderful btw.), I am now counting down the days until I get on a flight to Atlanta, and then a 12-hour flight to Liberia. I am oddly calm about the whole thing and it is sort of scaring me. The last time I went out of the country it was the summer after my junior year of high school and I went to the Dominican Republic (I may have written post back when this blog was in ruins haha). It has been quite awhile since then, but I am calm. I am sure I will not be on January 4 when I leave for 3 weeks in a place that is brand new to me. Of course I will not be alone in this endeavor as one of my close friends, Tiffany, will be joining me. I am excited for the experience and who knows, maybe International Social Work is something that God puts on my heart.

Enough about me and more about another close friend Meg. I am off to a visitation for her mom. She passed away on Christmas Eve. I cannot begin to explain what a surprise it was. She had only just gotten sick at the time of Thanksgiving, and now she is gone. Although I did not get to meet her myself, Meg is a wonderful girl and I can tell how much influence she had in Meg's life (Meg, if you are reading this, please know that I will always be here for you and you have and will always be in my heart forever dear). This situation strikes me as interesting. No one wants to lose someone on Christmas Eve, or for that matter, ever. Meg is someone who I look up to. She is strong and courageous and unbelievably smart. She is open and honest and shares what she is thinking. I have seen her flourish. Why is she not rewarded for that? Instead, her mother is taken away? I don't really get it. Sure people will say "Oh it was God's plan and He needs her in Heaven", but it doesn't make sense. This leaves strong people alone, with no help on earth God is taking away someone that is in someone else's plan. God's plan for Meg is in need of people to surround her with support. Her mother had to have been a part of that. For me, I would want to know why that is and why it plays out that way…

There is peace surrounding the family and peace in the seasonal air because she got to see Jesus on Christmas day. How amazing would that be! 

12:10 AM

It's 12:10 am. Everyone is sleeping except for me, per usual.  I don't really know what I am going to say but I guess I should write something….

Life is just going. Exams are done, school is done for a while, I leave for Liberia in 15 days, I have a lot to do, I am just living. No stress, no regrets or ragrets, if you've seen We're the Millers :)

I guess I have a few things to get off of my heart:
I always talk about this but my life has changed so much since the horrible summer. There are people no longer in my life that pulled me down. I don't see them or really talk to them anymore. But I still think about them. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. I think about how they hurt me, how they are not what I want to become; greedy, self-centered, not thoughtful people. I know it is wrong to think about it that way, but I didn't used to think like that when I was with them. I think they need prayer. They are not what the can live up to be. They struggle just like me. And so I will offer up one last prayer for them. Prayer that they might realize their potential, prayer that they won't be so negative, prayer that they get on the right track.

I know now that I was finding myself when I was with them. I DID NOT change for them. They had no influence in the choices I made with them. They were simply the means to make the choices happened. I don't what to admit it, but I used them. And I was the one hurt. That part is my fault for not knowing earlier. The other part was them.

And so it is that my heart hurts. It hurts because of what happened, it hurts for them, it hurts for anyone in my situation. And so it is that my heart will still hurt for quite a long time.

On a lighter note, I have a place to live next year and 3 lovely girls of which I share most of my life with. I don't have to find myself because they accept me for whoever I am. Whatever I am like. They accept me AS ME.

Maybe God is actually looking out for me.

It Has Arrived...

It is that time of the year. Semesters are ending and finals are just beginning. This year I have 5 finals. COUNT THEM! 5! What sort of crazy institution am I in. College. That's what. Every semester I get surprised by them and I don't think I will ever be ready.

It's not the actual finals that get me stressed, it's that I have no motivation to study beforehand. I don't like school and so I never want to study. Sometimes I wish I could just go in without studying and see how I do. ( I know for a fact I would fail, but the temptation is high). I hate being unprepared, which is my downfall.

So this finals week (and a half) I hope to relax. It is hard to do so when 5 3-hour long finals stand in my way of Chirstmas and…..

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU! I AM GOING TO AFRICA!

Liberia to be exact. The three full weeks of January I will be going to Monrovia, Liberia. The capital city and home to two thirds of the population. I will be taking a Social Work class with Liberian social work students and 7 other Calvin students, taught by two Calvin professors. I can not wait to see what God is doing in my life and the life of many Liberian people. I will hopefully post more when I am there and afterwards!

So I have my motivation. Africa.