This is Life

From where I came from, 3 months ago, I would say I am in a good place. I have amazing friends. I have a new place to live next year with new and wonderful girls. I have such a loving family. I have a new outlook on life

Except for one thing...

I keep going back to them. It's like they still include me and go sometimes but its not the same. No one acts the same, its sort of awkward, and no one really talks about what we used to. It's insanely stupid of me to continue this little charade of a friendship. They hurt me and yet I still think it can go back to how it was. But it NEVER will. NEVER. I've already said yes to one more thing, and soon after I will brea the chain (metaphorically of course). They obviously don't care about me, and I am too busy and caught up in my new life to even care anymore. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT. I say it to myself constantly. THEY NEVER WILL BE. They are too caught up in themselves and each other to notice what they did and how different it has been since we were all apart during summer.

So heres to stopping cold turkey, maybe they won't understand but I do. It's for my health. It's for my fresh start.
Heres to new friends who care and explore. Heres to "out with the old and in with the new."

Empty Yet Overflowing

Sorry for the delay, but I am back at it again. I was just trying to have a smooth transition back into classes and schoolwork.

Since I have been gone:

I have started classes!

I have met TONS of new people!

I have turned 20!

I have thought (a lot!)

I am being open. Open to the possibilities. Open to the freedom of choice. Open to getting hurt for the benefit, in the end. There have been some changes in my life that I pray and hope are for the better.

There are people in my life that I don't think are helping to reach my goals and accomplishments. These are people that I haven't been friend with long, but I know that thy are not what real friends are supposed to be like. Since moving to first floor, basically everything has changed. The biggest change is that I feel loved. For the first time, I don't feel as if I need to try to change myself to be loved by others. They are just there. It's pretty insane coming after what happened in the last 6 months. I have even found housemates for next year. They are some of the most gracious and loving people I have ever met.

I am still unsure as to who I am exactly so I am remaining numb to things that could change me or hurt me. I am not trying to be egocentric or anything but the way in which I was hurt was not fair. It was so superficial and pointless that they didn't even know it was happening in a way. All they knew was what was making them happy and that obviously didn't include me. The feeling of rejection is fucking horrible. You feel worthless, unimportant and unloved; like they were putting on a show and they were the actors and actresses.

In the midst of all this feeling stuff I will share a few things that are going on in my life right now:

First, we (the girls I am living with) have almost found a house that we can live in starting in August. I am so excited to be out of the dorms and live with 3 amazing girls. Sure it feels like a long time from now but that leads me into my next point!

I AM PROBABLY GOING TO AFRICA! Liberia to be exact. During January I will hopefully be traveling there for 3 weeks to take a class with Liberian social work students and working on a community development project with them. We will also get to travel to orphanages and small businesses. I am not officially excepted yet but hopefully this week we will find out. (I am hoping I have priority because I am a social work major and this is a social work based trip!)

Lastly, yesterday my cousin got married. I know it doesn't sound amazing but our family and their's are really close because my family is so small. It is great to add another girl to the family (we are currently outnumbered). Welcome to the family Lindsey! We love you and Ryan!

That is basically what is happening in my life and hopefully my posts will be somewhat regular now

Love to all.

Back At It

So I am back at college and nothing prepared me for what was to come. I knew when I moved back in everything was going to be different but even the presence of being here is different. The people are different, I am not the youngest anymore. Dorm stuff starts today with awkward mixers and classes start tomorrow along with the awkward introductions. I think I am ready for the challenges of school but maybe not for the relationships. On the outside I want to branch out; the girls on my floor are amazing as well as my new RA Rachel. But on the inside, I am still the scared little freshman I was last year. I know more people this year and its nice to know where I am going instead of everything being a maze. Work starts next week but I think it will be a nice break from school because it helps me clear my head. My weeks will be full no doubt, but my heart is not. Something is missing and from what I can tell.... Well I can't tell. There is something that I don't realize is important or has to come first in my life. I am waiting to hear, see or experience what is in store for me. In the meantime, I am here. I am safe. I am present.

Disappointing Disrespect

It's the second time. The second time I trusted them and they let me down. They apparently don't care about our friendship. They blatantly let me down and are now pretending like nothing has happened. Well, I will be civil and see them once in a while, but they aren'y worth my time. People that pull you down over and over are not worth it. I've tried and put in the most amount of effort, but I am exhausted in every possible way.

Something Different

I’ve had enough ranting about my messed up life for a while. All of that is superficial and I’ve realized that no matter how hard I try to fix everything, there will always be something that I am not happy with. It’s just life, and as cheesy as it is, its true; it will get better.

So, on to other pressing matters. Not really. But it is something I have been thinking about lately.

I love to write. I guess it runs in the family because both my dad and my sister love to write. My sister was the editor of our college’s newspaper and now, after she graduated she helps organize and write for a blog of graduates and early career starters. I am definitely not as good as her but it is still something I love to do. I may not have all the mechanics down and rules of grammar, but it make me happy. For me, writing is an out for any type of stress or confusion (music is the same way for me but that will be another post).  It gives m freedom to say what I want. Because I am not the most vocal about my feelings and like to keep stuff bottled up and drama free, writing is there for me to let it out. The English language can be beautiful and life changing. One sentence can be influential in someone’s life. I want to always strive to do that someone else because I have had that with many writers and poets. Creating something that has never been said before is exhilarating. It’s your own. You created it into being. Writing is an outlet for words to be put together. I also believe they are meant to be shared. Although I don’t read enough, publishing is necessary. Writing is necessary for people to gain knowledge, necessary for creativeness, and even for emotions. It gets people to think (like I hope this post is doing!). Writing is everything or whatever you need it to be for yourself. So I will continue to do it. When I need break, I will pull up a blank document or pull out a pen and paper. And write.

The Hardest of Days

If I’m writing honest, today was by far the worst day this summer. Let’s begin with this morning. I woke up late and felt groggy all morning. I say woke up late because I was supposed to take a test for my online history class at 10:00am. But instead I took it at 11:30. Not only that but when I went to submit the test, something must have happened and I am still not sure to this minute if my professor has my answers to the test, and we only get to take it once. On to the next thing; I was hoping to get some money for some books that I used last semester. I went to school and how much money do I get for 5 books? 7 fricken dollars, not ok. (That is superficial but hey, I paid quite a bit more for them then that). The next thing was more sad then frustrating. Maggie is leaving tomorrow for Ghana. I won’t see her for 7 months. Today I had to say goodbye and it wasn’t pretty. That’s all about that. And last but not least, at the dinner table we talked about my dog. She is a very old and showing signs of that “oldness” that are becoming more and more apparent. Of course my mom cried and wanted us all to go to the vet to find out all the problems that she has. That dog has been with us for 13 years. That is 13 years of my 19 years. I was 6 when we got her for Christmas and now I’m not sure she will be with me while I go on to my 20^th year. So that was my day today. Thank you for reading my rant. It is much appreciated. I am now going to play music, then surround myself in pillows and watch movies. What a fun Friday night, huh?

Current State

"Vous Etes Mon Coure (You Are My Heart)"

Gungor

Where have you hidden yourself oh my beloved
You fled having wounded
I pursued but you had gone

In search of you my darling I would scale the highest clouds
Scour wooded valleys, roaring torrents whispering gales

Vous etes mon coeur

When you first regarded me
Your eyes filled me with grace
Thereby again my eyes
Merited to adore you

Vous etes mon coeur