Everything is Coming to Fruition...

After the Christmas season (which was wonderful btw.), I am now counting down the days until I get on a flight to Atlanta, and then a 12-hour flight to Liberia. I am oddly calm about the whole thing and it is sort of scaring me. The last time I went out of the country it was the summer after my junior year of high school and I went to the Dominican Republic (I may have written post back when this blog was in ruins haha). It has been quite awhile since then, but I am calm. I am sure I will not be on January 4 when I leave for 3 weeks in a place that is brand new to me. Of course I will not be alone in this endeavor as one of my close friends, Tiffany, will be joining me. I am excited for the experience and who knows, maybe International Social Work is something that God puts on my heart.

Enough about me and more about another close friend Meg. I am off to a visitation for her mom. She passed away on Christmas Eve. I cannot begin to explain what a surprise it was. She had only just gotten sick at the time of Thanksgiving, and now she is gone. Although I did not get to meet her myself, Meg is a wonderful girl and I can tell how much influence she had in Meg's life (Meg, if you are reading this, please know that I will always be here for you and you have and will always be in my heart forever dear). This situation strikes me as interesting. No one wants to lose someone on Christmas Eve, or for that matter, ever. Meg is someone who I look up to. She is strong and courageous and unbelievably smart. She is open and honest and shares what she is thinking. I have seen her flourish. Why is she not rewarded for that? Instead, her mother is taken away? I don't really get it. Sure people will say "Oh it was God's plan and He needs her in Heaven", but it doesn't make sense. This leaves strong people alone, with no help on earth God is taking away someone that is in someone else's plan. God's plan for Meg is in need of people to surround her with support. Her mother had to have been a part of that. For me, I would want to know why that is and why it plays out that way…

There is peace surrounding the family and peace in the seasonal air because she got to see Jesus on Christmas day. How amazing would that be! 

12:10 AM

It's 12:10 am. Everyone is sleeping except for me, per usual.  I don't really know what I am going to say but I guess I should write something….

Life is just going. Exams are done, school is done for a while, I leave for Liberia in 15 days, I have a lot to do, I am just living. No stress, no regrets or ragrets, if you've seen We're the Millers :)

I guess I have a few things to get off of my heart:
I always talk about this but my life has changed so much since the horrible summer. There are people no longer in my life that pulled me down. I don't see them or really talk to them anymore. But I still think about them. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. I think about how they hurt me, how they are not what I want to become; greedy, self-centered, not thoughtful people. I know it is wrong to think about it that way, but I didn't used to think like that when I was with them. I think they need prayer. They are not what the can live up to be. They struggle just like me. And so I will offer up one last prayer for them. Prayer that they might realize their potential, prayer that they won't be so negative, prayer that they get on the right track.

I know now that I was finding myself when I was with them. I DID NOT change for them. They had no influence in the choices I made with them. They were simply the means to make the choices happened. I don't what to admit it, but I used them. And I was the one hurt. That part is my fault for not knowing earlier. The other part was them.

And so it is that my heart hurts. It hurts because of what happened, it hurts for them, it hurts for anyone in my situation. And so it is that my heart will still hurt for quite a long time.

On a lighter note, I have a place to live next year and 3 lovely girls of which I share most of my life with. I don't have to find myself because they accept me for whoever I am. Whatever I am like. They accept me AS ME.

Maybe God is actually looking out for me.

It Has Arrived...

It is that time of the year. Semesters are ending and finals are just beginning. This year I have 5 finals. COUNT THEM! 5! What sort of crazy institution am I in. College. That's what. Every semester I get surprised by them and I don't think I will ever be ready.

It's not the actual finals that get me stressed, it's that I have no motivation to study beforehand. I don't like school and so I never want to study. Sometimes I wish I could just go in without studying and see how I do. ( I know for a fact I would fail, but the temptation is high). I hate being unprepared, which is my downfall.

So this finals week (and a half) I hope to relax. It is hard to do so when 5 3-hour long finals stand in my way of Chirstmas and…..

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU! I AM GOING TO AFRICA!

Liberia to be exact. The three full weeks of January I will be going to Monrovia, Liberia. The capital city and home to two thirds of the population. I will be taking a Social Work class with Liberian social work students and 7 other Calvin students, taught by two Calvin professors. I can not wait to see what God is doing in my life and the life of many Liberian people. I will hopefully post more when I am there and afterwards!

So I have my motivation. Africa.

That Time of the Year...

(Warning: this is totally a stupid, short, low self-image post)

Usually I have ok skin. I never really get pimples or breakout. EXCEPT WHEN I AM STRESSED!

It is one of the most annoying thing. Ever.

When I get stressed I get one pimple. In the middle of my forehead. It is so awkward. I pop it and it just comes back. Even bigger. I really should just get over it because it happens to everyone. It is such a natural thing to go through.

I think what gets me is that I notice it. All the time. I constantly think about it. It is alway in my mind. 

I worry. I am a worrier. I am a warrior.

“...for once, you believed in yourself. you believed you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world.” 

Sarah Dessen- Keeping the Moon

About to Explode...

"Say Something"

A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

This is Life

From where I came from, 3 months ago, I would say I am in a good place. I have amazing friends. I have a new place to live next year with new and wonderful girls. I have such a loving family. I have a new outlook on life

Except for one thing...

I keep going back to them. It's like they still include me and go sometimes but its not the same. No one acts the same, its sort of awkward, and no one really talks about what we used to. It's insanely stupid of me to continue this little charade of a friendship. They hurt me and yet I still think it can go back to how it was. But it NEVER will. NEVER. I've already said yes to one more thing, and soon after I will brea the chain (metaphorically of course). They obviously don't care about me, and I am too busy and caught up in my new life to even care anymore. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT. I say it to myself constantly. THEY NEVER WILL BE. They are too caught up in themselves and each other to notice what they did and how different it has been since we were all apart during summer.

So heres to stopping cold turkey, maybe they won't understand but I do. It's for my health. It's for my fresh start.
Heres to new friends who care and explore. Heres to "out with the old and in with the new."

Empty Yet Overflowing

Sorry for the delay, but I am back at it again. I was just trying to have a smooth transition back into classes and schoolwork.

Since I have been gone:

I have started classes!

I have met TONS of new people!

I have turned 20!

I have thought (a lot!)

I am being open. Open to the possibilities. Open to the freedom of choice. Open to getting hurt for the benefit, in the end. There have been some changes in my life that I pray and hope are for the better.

There are people in my life that I don't think are helping to reach my goals and accomplishments. These are people that I haven't been friend with long, but I know that thy are not what real friends are supposed to be like. Since moving to first floor, basically everything has changed. The biggest change is that I feel loved. For the first time, I don't feel as if I need to try to change myself to be loved by others. They are just there. It's pretty insane coming after what happened in the last 6 months. I have even found housemates for next year. They are some of the most gracious and loving people I have ever met.

I am still unsure as to who I am exactly so I am remaining numb to things that could change me or hurt me. I am not trying to be egocentric or anything but the way in which I was hurt was not fair. It was so superficial and pointless that they didn't even know it was happening in a way. All they knew was what was making them happy and that obviously didn't include me. The feeling of rejection is fucking horrible. You feel worthless, unimportant and unloved; like they were putting on a show and they were the actors and actresses.

In the midst of all this feeling stuff I will share a few things that are going on in my life right now:

First, we (the girls I am living with) have almost found a house that we can live in starting in August. I am so excited to be out of the dorms and live with 3 amazing girls. Sure it feels like a long time from now but that leads me into my next point!

I AM PROBABLY GOING TO AFRICA! Liberia to be exact. During January I will hopefully be traveling there for 3 weeks to take a class with Liberian social work students and working on a community development project with them. We will also get to travel to orphanages and small businesses. I am not officially excepted yet but hopefully this week we will find out. (I am hoping I have priority because I am a social work major and this is a social work based trip!)

Lastly, yesterday my cousin got married. I know it doesn't sound amazing but our family and their's are really close because my family is so small. It is great to add another girl to the family (we are currently outnumbered). Welcome to the family Lindsey! We love you and Ryan!

That is basically what is happening in my life and hopefully my posts will be somewhat regular now

Love to all.