Getting My Hopes Up

I’ve always been one for getting excited about things. Maybe too much sometimes. If they don’t end up happening I get really hurt or disappointed because I built up in my mind how I thought something would be. Expectations are not always reality and I forget that. I sometimes wonder what it would be like if didn’t “hype things up” in my mind and just go with whatever happens. I think it would help with the whole trust issues (of which I have plenty). It’s hard to understand and it stupid as none other but I worry. I worry that my friends talk to each other and not me, plan things without me, or just plan take advantage of me. Its obviously from my high school years, which sucks because I don’ t want to be like this. I didn’t choose to be like this. I just am.

I still haven’t heard back from Boston. It’s gotten to the point of just being frustrating now. So with what is coming up (possible trip to Toronto with my sister, looking for volunteering positions) I vow to not build it up to something it might not be, because lately things have not been what I expected. It’s somewhat morbid but I think it has to be done. 

The Waiting Period

Current Emotions: Confused and Waiting


I have an opportunity to go to Boston for a paid position. The job would entail me in Boston for the whole summer, working with youth groups at different service areas around the neighborhood. Painting, landscape and relationships would be my whole summer. It is very short notice, meaning I would leave this Saturday if I get the job. But I haven't heard back yet. I talked to my friend that has worked at the organization before and is in Boston now and she said they were really busy. I still just want them to call me. Even if it is a no. The waiting period is not fun.

I thought this was where God wanted me to be. He hasn't provided any feedback yet... How am I supposed to wait if I know that this is what is supposed to happen? Maybe I am wrong?

“Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one's thoughts.” 
~Elisabeth Elliot

My Mind Is

Just a poem that got me thinking today...

My Mind Is
my mind is
a big hunk of irrevocable nothing which touch and
taste and smell and hearing and sight keep hitting and 
chipping with sharp fatal tools
in an agony of sensual chisels i perform squirms of
chrome and execute strides of cobalt
nevertheless i feel that i cleverly am being altered that i slightly am
becoming something a little different, in fact
myself
Hereupon helpless i utter lilac shrieks and scarlet
bellowings.

ee cummings 

Fresh Start

It's been almost 2 years. That is crazy. I started this blog because I thought it would be cool. WRONG reason to start one. Over the past year or so, I have grown up. A lot. So, this is me vowing to use this space as an outlet for emotions, venting and just for the pure enjoyment of writing (which as it seems I have come to enjoy). A new title and background will suffice for the "fresh start" and I am not going to post regularly, just as I thought I would before. I don't really know where to begin but I think the people I have met and friends I have kept at the beginning of college and through my first year, is a good place to start.

So here it begins...

College...

It has already been a crazy ride and I am sure it will continue.

The cast I consider my "closest friends at college" consist of Rachel, Maggie, Anne, Kayla, Amanda, Jared, Andrew, and oddly enough my RA Amelia. (If you find this blog anyone...I hope you enjoy it because you make my life amazing.)

I still have my high school crew; Ellen, Elyse, Maria, Shannon, Bri, Lindsey, and Jodi, although we are all busy. But we will always be us. Crazy, energetic, weird, not understandable to others... In fact, the last three days describe that list pretty well. We have hung out Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights. (We may have gone to T-Bell all three of those.) Whenever some of us get together, it can get a little crazy...singing and dancing may commence, hair being braided together, and a lot of screaming.... A LOT. We will always be around each other because we are similar. A few of us will be getting a house together junior year and I can not wait to move in with the people that understand me.

The cast at college is another story. And a story it is. After moving into my dorm (SE dynasty!), the entire dorm went on a retreat after one of the first weeks of school. I was hesitant to go because I really hadn't made any friends by that point. I had talked to a few of the girls on my floor but not on a personal level. Not until the River Tooth walks. We were grouped into two people. The sophomores were told to choose a freshman and who picked me? None other than Rachel. So that is where it began. A walk around a camp, both sharing our sob stories from high school about switching friends and broken relationships. She understood me because she went through the same thing. I will never forget that night. And so, we traveled back to campus and we hung out more and more. Rachel introduced me to some of her dance friends, and others that she had met freshman year. Yes, I don't have many freshman friends because of this but age doesn't matter. So first semester was through and interim had begun. I think I met Jared for the first time while Rachel and I were picking up a fellow floor mate from the airport just before first semester had ended. He was awesome and musical. The type of person I mesh well with. Andrew, his roommate and basically the same person as Jared was, was in my Interim class but we had not met each other before. Soon enough Jared and Rachel began dating and the four of us hung out a lot. It felt so nice to be included in things (because the first three years of high school sucked.) We had our moment of immaturity, fights and falling outs but I know in my heart that God put them in my life to make it better (maybe not right away), to change me (into what I want to be), and to help me learn (what I want to do in my life). If you guys are reading this, Thank you.

Our story will continue, with Rachel, Kayla, Anne and Amanda moving into a house together, Maggie going to Ghana, and Jared, Andrew and I (all as sophomores) still on campus in the dorms (I am moving from 3rd floor to 1st floor). It is going to be hard because the girls won't be right down the hall from me, but I have hope; that we will all still be the messed up, wacky, insane, happy family that we all love to be.

So those are the people that are in my life. Summer is here and most of them live out of state (it is really sad), so I am only able to talk to them through texting, Facebook chat and Google+ hangouts. I am planning some visits to some of them, but God might have me going in a different direction, which I will save for another post.

well...

Um...I have no excuse for not posting. I fully except all the charges against me.

Tomorrow I leave for the Dominican Republic for 10 days! I will be staying at a YoungLife camp there called Pico Escondido which in Spanish means Hidden Peak; which is fittng seeing as it is on a mountain. I am going there with my church youth group. A lot of my friends are going as well so I am really excited to have this expirirence with them. The work that I will be doing is mainly going to be around the camp getting ready for when the Dominican kids come. For some this is the first time they will hear about Christ

What I am really the most nervous for is the homestay part of the trip. We will be split up into groups of 2 or 3 and we will spend 2 nights with a famliy of a Dominican Younglife camp leader. I have been told that some times it ends up that the only Christian in the family is the kid so I am a little worried as to what it will be like. I have three years of Spanish under my belt but I really have not used it that much.

One of the days we will be hiking to a waterfall that is behind the camp, and on the last full day in the DR we will head to a resort to relax. I am sooooo excited. I have very been out of the country( not inculding Canada). I hope to learn a lot and grow in my spiritual walk with God. I love you all and God Bless.

Wow...

It's the end of April already. This week was holy week, and on Sunday is Easter; the day Jesus did the unthinkable and rose from the grave. I'm so proud of my religion.

At the moment, my sister is in Florence, Italy; on her last few days of spring break. Tomorrow I think she is going to Rome and will be there on Easter Sunday. Amazing huh? Easter Sunday at the Vadicant is probably unbelieveable. And along with that, all the students from York University have to meet up in London on the weekend of the royal wedding. ( I think I already said this in an earlier post, o well.) I'm deffinately starting to miss her. She gets back on June 1 which is coming up soon. It's hard to believe she's been gone sinch February.

Anyways, today we had school, which is not normal on Good Friday. But we had chapel and it was really meaningful. One of our chemistry teachers planned it all with the help from a few students. Each one of them wrote a card of one of their biggest regrets/insecurities/fears. We each got a card to do the same thing, and they are going to post them all on one big wall leading to where we have chapel. The point was to open up the school and allow us to share ourselves more. Imagine 900+ students' cards all hung on a wall sharing to the whole school insecurities or fears. It's going to look amazing!

Happ Easter everyone!

Titles are hard...

I couldn't come up with a title :(  Sorry I haven't posted in a while, its been a little busy. Junior year is more difficult than what I thought it would be. It deffinately challenges me. I just got my first ACT score back and it wasnt't what I wanted. I am disapointed  with myself. I know that I am not good in school so that really bummed me out. I want to do a lot better so hopefully I will be able to take it at least once more and maybe twice.

On a happier note, my school's Fine Arts week is coming up, which means I get to enter some of my poetry into a contest where judges pick out spectial pieces to be published in a book full of all types of writing ( poems, short stories, multi-genre stories ect.). I need to write a few more to enter but I always like to see how my poems turn out. I had three of my poems in the book last year. I'm really proud of my work. It's always been something I like to do for fun.

Well thats really all I have to say other than I think that spring is finally coming to Michigan. Lets hope it stays for a while :)