Remembering Chase

When you lose someone dear, you never forget.

There are times that I wish that God would  let us mourn for a period but then He would take that pain away and we never have to remember the bad, only the good.

But that is not what happens, you never forget.

Especially when something tragic happens, like Chase. What made it that she had to leave us so dramatically, so suddenly. And what makes it never stop hurting. I think about her everyday. The light she brought to everything and everyone.

Today, she would have been 21.

You never forget.



And you never should.

Twenty Minutes and Seven Songs

Disclaimer: This is a depressing post and complete throw up from my brain.

I just layed on the floor of my bedroom of twenty minutes. That's the kind of day it was today. My mental health is not taking it well. Honestly I think I over did it.

Went to two grocery stores looking for leaf bags
Had a house meeting in which one person talked the whole time
Raked wet moldy leaves into bags
Stopped after not even a third were picked up
Called my parents
Had a melt down because no one helped me
Tried to do homework
Watched a movie instead
Actually did homework
Watched some YouTube
Tried to eat dinner but wasn't hungry
Decided to  dust just about everything in my room
And then landed in the middle of room, on my back
All while seven songs just kept going...

Isn't it funny how humans work? I did all these things around people but yet I was still completely alone. No one spoke to me (except the phone call). No one needed my help. No one asked me anything. No one spoke to me for the entire day even though there were billions of billions of conversations happening around the world. Not one pertained to me and I don't think I give a damn. Sorry for the harsh language but it is true. Do you ever have those days? Where no one bugs you or no one needs you? I think I am starting to have more of them. No one expects anything from me. No one needs me. No one wants me. No one supports me. No one understands me. No one relays on me. And so I escape from life. I live life through the internet. The songs were online, this blog is online, the movie I watched was online. I life my life vicariously through my computer and my room. I don't think it is healthy. I don't think it right and yet I need it. I need to escape. Otherwise I will explode. We are taught to let our feelings out but I am afraid. Of the people that don't care. Of the people that do care. Of the people that don't know me. Of the people that I don't know. I'm a coward.

Fast Paced People

 There are some people that are slower. There are some people that do actions at a medium speed. And then there are people that are just plain fast. I am not sure if they mean to be but they just are. I guess I would consider myself medium paced but of course there are others that would say I am fast at everything.

One of my roommates is definitely fast paced. She is the only one if I really think about it. Just the way she does things but also fast paced at listening. I am not sure if that is really what it’s called but I am going to go with that. Oh wait; maybe I will phrase it selective hearing. Not in the way that that term is usually thought about-- only hearing what you want to hear, but rather doesn’t really take the time to listen well and actually comprehend what someone is saying. This mostly happens when she is preoccupied, which makes sense I guess. But I get the feeling that it could happen at any moment.

It is possible that she really just wants to say what is on her mind, which by the way I really like, but it could also be that she doesn’t agree with what you are saying. Fast paced listening. Selective listening. Is she proud? Is she arrogant? Is she right? Is she close-minded?

All of these things are being considered. I don’t think I will ever really understand where she is coming from but I can at least try. I don’t think I can quicken my pace, but maybe I can slow hers…

Other People

Sometimes I really don’t understand other people’s thinking. That’s a blanket statement but I just want to get it off my chest. It’s also a very superficial statement. I don’t want to hate on anyone but there are times where I have something to say so I am going to say it.

I don’t understand why people think the way they do. I think that is sometime that God created for a reason. We aren’t supposed to understand. He is the only one that really knows what people are thinking. Heck, he is the only one that knows what I really think without me understanding what I think. What?

I was listening to a friend today talk about another friend and what was going on with her as this new school year starts. Its hard to really listen to someone’s opinion without already having judged the situation and think about what you would do. Did that make sense? Probably not, but I guess this is for me.

I guess what I am saying is that without judging first a situation in which someone is making a decision that you wouldn’t, take time to learn about everyone else in the situation besides you and understand that you are not them. You are not them. YOU are not THEM.

(Sorry for the “blotchiness” of this post. As well as the rate type nature)

End of an Era

No, it’s not that I used up all my Era laundry detergent. It’s just that I moved out.

20 Years. 20 YEARS I have lived in the same house. We moved there when I was 3 months old so I don’t’ count that. I have never moved I have never really lived on my own. (Besides living in the dorms with 40 other girls and a Resident Director). This is the real deal. Paying bills, real deal. And I am nervous.

Of course I don’t show that I am nervous. What good would that do me? Move out and realize that I can’t do it. 

The house is great. It’s great except that it was supposed to be cleaned by the last tenants but apparently they have way different standards than I do, or of any for that matter. Let’s just say that that every time I walk across the floor my feet still get dirty. 

So tonight is the first night. And I want to go to bed but there is a cute boy in the house finishing cleaning the carpets. And it is loud. So I am writing this blog to make it seem like I am really invested in something, so that it is not awkward. But it seems to be making it more awkward.

No Internet. No people. No sound. Everything else. One week. Here goes nothing.

Solemn Listening

"When people talk, listen completely. Most people don't listen." ~Ernest Hemingway

It's been a weird couple of days. I'm not sure if solemn is the right word for what I am feeling but it will do.

I have done a lot of listening this week that has put a lot on my mind.

This might be TMI but just now I got out of the shower, got a towel, stared at myself in the mirror and just listened. I had music going, but I couldn't tell you what song it was. I was listening but I wasn't there in my head. I just listened?

Tomorrow is Mother's Day. A happy day for most. See how I said most? Not all.
Today has been rough for one of my close friends and soon to be housemates. Today has been rough for my suite mate. Today has been rough for many of my other acquaintances.
They don't have this happiness in their hearts. They are just solemn.

They are mourning. I could never imagine that. And so I listen.

Present

It's been a few months, a few hiccups in the road, a few breakdowns, a few losses, a few pick-me-ups, and a few realizations.

I am present. I am here. I am alive

I am present on earth. I am here for a purpose.  I am alive in promise.

People look at me, judge me, ignore me, talk to me. Everyday.

I am. I do. I see.

I am a child of God? I do what God has planned for me? I see where I am headed?

Is there ever a time that I am not present?

When I am shut away in my room. When I am shy. When I am irritable.

But I am still present in the world. I am here for attendance. I am here because I was put here.

World Traveler

Well hello!

I have been absent I know. Sorry I am not sorry… because I was just in freaking Africa! Heck Yes.

Let me explain. During the month of January my school has what's called Interim (or J-Term for other schools). It basically consists of one class on campus or deciding to go abroad somewhere and travel. I obviously chose the later and was headed off to Liberia, in West Africa.

I don't have time right now to tell the whole story but I will explain the gist of what we did there.

For the first two weeks, I and 8 other students took a Social Work class at the college we were staying at. This implied that there would be Liberian students as well. Seeing as the professors we traveled with taught the class, it was pretty simple. The class focused on Community Development in communities around Monrovia (the capital). We did a group project in which we went out as small groups and interviewed leaders and member of those communities and assessed each community. As a part of the class, each group gave a presentation on what community they had been given to assess. Then an exam, and BOOM. Done with the class and first two weeks.

The class was in the morning. During many of the afternoons, we traveled to different social welfare social work type agencies or organizations to see what former students of the class created or just visited and see what international social work looks like. We went to a child welfare house (orphaned or children with unstable parents), an HIV/AIDs/Teen Pregnancy resource center, community gardens and farms, and schools.

The last week consisted of traveling to the center of the country and to the border of Liberia and Sierra Leone. We hiked to a waterfall and were 30 feet from Sierra Leone!

Hopefully I will have time to share some stories, but for now I AM BACK!

Everything is Coming to Fruition...

After the Christmas season (which was wonderful btw.), I am now counting down the days until I get on a flight to Atlanta, and then a 12-hour flight to Liberia. I am oddly calm about the whole thing and it is sort of scaring me. The last time I went out of the country it was the summer after my junior year of high school and I went to the Dominican Republic (I may have written post back when this blog was in ruins haha). It has been quite awhile since then, but I am calm. I am sure I will not be on January 4 when I leave for 3 weeks in a place that is brand new to me. Of course I will not be alone in this endeavor as one of my close friends, Tiffany, will be joining me. I am excited for the experience and who knows, maybe International Social Work is something that God puts on my heart.

Enough about me and more about another close friend Meg. I am off to a visitation for her mom. She passed away on Christmas Eve. I cannot begin to explain what a surprise it was. She had only just gotten sick at the time of Thanksgiving, and now she is gone. Although I did not get to meet her myself, Meg is a wonderful girl and I can tell how much influence she had in Meg's life (Meg, if you are reading this, please know that I will always be here for you and you have and will always be in my heart forever dear). This situation strikes me as interesting. No one wants to lose someone on Christmas Eve, or for that matter, ever. Meg is someone who I look up to. She is strong and courageous and unbelievably smart. She is open and honest and shares what she is thinking. I have seen her flourish. Why is she not rewarded for that? Instead, her mother is taken away? I don't really get it. Sure people will say "Oh it was God's plan and He needs her in Heaven", but it doesn't make sense. This leaves strong people alone, with no help on earth God is taking away someone that is in someone else's plan. God's plan for Meg is in need of people to surround her with support. Her mother had to have been a part of that. For me, I would want to know why that is and why it plays out that way…

There is peace surrounding the family and peace in the seasonal air because she got to see Jesus on Christmas day. How amazing would that be! 

12:10 AM

It's 12:10 am. Everyone is sleeping except for me, per usual.  I don't really know what I am going to say but I guess I should write something….

Life is just going. Exams are done, school is done for a while, I leave for Liberia in 15 days, I have a lot to do, I am just living. No stress, no regrets or ragrets, if you've seen We're the Millers :)

I guess I have a few things to get off of my heart:
I always talk about this but my life has changed so much since the horrible summer. There are people no longer in my life that pulled me down. I don't see them or really talk to them anymore. But I still think about them. I'm not sure if that is a good thing. I think about how they hurt me, how they are not what I want to become; greedy, self-centered, not thoughtful people. I know it is wrong to think about it that way, but I didn't used to think like that when I was with them. I think they need prayer. They are not what the can live up to be. They struggle just like me. And so I will offer up one last prayer for them. Prayer that they might realize their potential, prayer that they won't be so negative, prayer that they get on the right track.

I know now that I was finding myself when I was with them. I DID NOT change for them. They had no influence in the choices I made with them. They were simply the means to make the choices happened. I don't what to admit it, but I used them. And I was the one hurt. That part is my fault for not knowing earlier. The other part was them.

And so it is that my heart hurts. It hurts because of what happened, it hurts for them, it hurts for anyone in my situation. And so it is that my heart will still hurt for quite a long time.

On a lighter note, I have a place to live next year and 3 lovely girls of which I share most of my life with. I don't have to find myself because they accept me for whoever I am. Whatever I am like. They accept me AS ME.

Maybe God is actually looking out for me.

It Has Arrived...

It is that time of the year. Semesters are ending and finals are just beginning. This year I have 5 finals. COUNT THEM! 5! What sort of crazy institution am I in. College. That's what. Every semester I get surprised by them and I don't think I will ever be ready.

It's not the actual finals that get me stressed, it's that I have no motivation to study beforehand. I don't like school and so I never want to study. Sometimes I wish I could just go in without studying and see how I do. ( I know for a fact I would fail, but the temptation is high). I hate being unprepared, which is my downfall.

So this finals week (and a half) I hope to relax. It is hard to do so when 5 3-hour long finals stand in my way of Chirstmas and…..

I FORGOT TO TELL YOU! I AM GOING TO AFRICA!

Liberia to be exact. The three full weeks of January I will be going to Monrovia, Liberia. The capital city and home to two thirds of the population. I will be taking a Social Work class with Liberian social work students and 7 other Calvin students, taught by two Calvin professors. I can not wait to see what God is doing in my life and the life of many Liberian people. I will hopefully post more when I am there and afterwards!

So I have my motivation. Africa.

That Time of the Year...

(Warning: this is totally a stupid, short, low self-image post)

Usually I have ok skin. I never really get pimples or breakout. EXCEPT WHEN I AM STRESSED!

It is one of the most annoying thing. Ever.

When I get stressed I get one pimple. In the middle of my forehead. It is so awkward. I pop it and it just comes back. Even bigger. I really should just get over it because it happens to everyone. It is such a natural thing to go through.

I think what gets me is that I notice it. All the time. I constantly think about it. It is alway in my mind. 

I worry. I am a worrier. I am a warrior.

“...for once, you believed in yourself. you believed you were beautiful and so did the rest of the world.” 

Sarah Dessen- Keeping the Moon

About to Explode...

"Say Something"

A Great Big World feat. Christina Aguilera

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...

This is Life

From where I came from, 3 months ago, I would say I am in a good place. I have amazing friends. I have a new place to live next year with new and wonderful girls. I have such a loving family. I have a new outlook on life

Except for one thing...

I keep going back to them. It's like they still include me and go sometimes but its not the same. No one acts the same, its sort of awkward, and no one really talks about what we used to. It's insanely stupid of me to continue this little charade of a friendship. They hurt me and yet I still think it can go back to how it was. But it NEVER will. NEVER. I've already said yes to one more thing, and soon after I will brea the chain (metaphorically of course). They obviously don't care about me, and I am too busy and caught up in my new life to even care anymore. THEY AREN'T WORTH IT. I say it to myself constantly. THEY NEVER WILL BE. They are too caught up in themselves and each other to notice what they did and how different it has been since we were all apart during summer.

So heres to stopping cold turkey, maybe they won't understand but I do. It's for my health. It's for my fresh start.
Heres to new friends who care and explore. Heres to "out with the old and in with the new."

Empty Yet Overflowing

Sorry for the delay, but I am back at it again. I was just trying to have a smooth transition back into classes and schoolwork.

Since I have been gone:

I have started classes!

I have met TONS of new people!

I have turned 20!

I have thought (a lot!)

I am being open. Open to the possibilities. Open to the freedom of choice. Open to getting hurt for the benefit, in the end. There have been some changes in my life that I pray and hope are for the better.

There are people in my life that I don't think are helping to reach my goals and accomplishments. These are people that I haven't been friend with long, but I know that thy are not what real friends are supposed to be like. Since moving to first floor, basically everything has changed. The biggest change is that I feel loved. For the first time, I don't feel as if I need to try to change myself to be loved by others. They are just there. It's pretty insane coming after what happened in the last 6 months. I have even found housemates for next year. They are some of the most gracious and loving people I have ever met.

I am still unsure as to who I am exactly so I am remaining numb to things that could change me or hurt me. I am not trying to be egocentric or anything but the way in which I was hurt was not fair. It was so superficial and pointless that they didn't even know it was happening in a way. All they knew was what was making them happy and that obviously didn't include me. The feeling of rejection is fucking horrible. You feel worthless, unimportant and unloved; like they were putting on a show and they were the actors and actresses.

In the midst of all this feeling stuff I will share a few things that are going on in my life right now:

First, we (the girls I am living with) have almost found a house that we can live in starting in August. I am so excited to be out of the dorms and live with 3 amazing girls. Sure it feels like a long time from now but that leads me into my next point!

I AM PROBABLY GOING TO AFRICA! Liberia to be exact. During January I will hopefully be traveling there for 3 weeks to take a class with Liberian social work students and working on a community development project with them. We will also get to travel to orphanages and small businesses. I am not officially excepted yet but hopefully this week we will find out. (I am hoping I have priority because I am a social work major and this is a social work based trip!)

Lastly, yesterday my cousin got married. I know it doesn't sound amazing but our family and their's are really close because my family is so small. It is great to add another girl to the family (we are currently outnumbered). Welcome to the family Lindsey! We love you and Ryan!

That is basically what is happening in my life and hopefully my posts will be somewhat regular now

Love to all.

Back At It

So I am back at college and nothing prepared me for what was to come. I knew when I moved back in everything was going to be different but even the presence of being here is different. The people are different, I am not the youngest anymore. Dorm stuff starts today with awkward mixers and classes start tomorrow along with the awkward introductions. I think I am ready for the challenges of school but maybe not for the relationships. On the outside I want to branch out; the girls on my floor are amazing as well as my new RA Rachel. But on the inside, I am still the scared little freshman I was last year. I know more people this year and its nice to know where I am going instead of everything being a maze. Work starts next week but I think it will be a nice break from school because it helps me clear my head. My weeks will be full no doubt, but my heart is not. Something is missing and from what I can tell.... Well I can't tell. There is something that I don't realize is important or has to come first in my life. I am waiting to hear, see or experience what is in store for me. In the meantime, I am here. I am safe. I am present.

Disappointing Disrespect

It's the second time. The second time I trusted them and they let me down. They apparently don't care about our friendship. They blatantly let me down and are now pretending like nothing has happened. Well, I will be civil and see them once in a while, but they aren'y worth my time. People that pull you down over and over are not worth it. I've tried and put in the most amount of effort, but I am exhausted in every possible way.

Something Different

I’ve had enough ranting about my messed up life for a while. All of that is superficial and I’ve realized that no matter how hard I try to fix everything, there will always be something that I am not happy with. It’s just life, and as cheesy as it is, its true; it will get better.

So, on to other pressing matters. Not really. But it is something I have been thinking about lately.

I love to write. I guess it runs in the family because both my dad and my sister love to write. My sister was the editor of our college’s newspaper and now, after she graduated she helps organize and write for a blog of graduates and early career starters. I am definitely not as good as her but it is still something I love to do. I may not have all the mechanics down and rules of grammar, but it make me happy. For me, writing is an out for any type of stress or confusion (music is the same way for me but that will be another post).  It gives m freedom to say what I want. Because I am not the most vocal about my feelings and like to keep stuff bottled up and drama free, writing is there for me to let it out. The English language can be beautiful and life changing. One sentence can be influential in someone’s life. I want to always strive to do that someone else because I have had that with many writers and poets. Creating something that has never been said before is exhilarating. It’s your own. You created it into being. Writing is an outlet for words to be put together. I also believe they are meant to be shared. Although I don’t read enough, publishing is necessary. Writing is necessary for people to gain knowledge, necessary for creativeness, and even for emotions. It gets people to think (like I hope this post is doing!). Writing is everything or whatever you need it to be for yourself. So I will continue to do it. When I need break, I will pull up a blank document or pull out a pen and paper. And write.

The Hardest of Days

If I’m writing honest, today was by far the worst day this summer. Let’s begin with this morning. I woke up late and felt groggy all morning. I say woke up late because I was supposed to take a test for my online history class at 10:00am. But instead I took it at 11:30. Not only that but when I went to submit the test, something must have happened and I am still not sure to this minute if my professor has my answers to the test, and we only get to take it once. On to the next thing; I was hoping to get some money for some books that I used last semester. I went to school and how much money do I get for 5 books? 7 fricken dollars, not ok. (That is superficial but hey, I paid quite a bit more for them then that). The next thing was more sad then frustrating. Maggie is leaving tomorrow for Ghana. I won’t see her for 7 months. Today I had to say goodbye and it wasn’t pretty. That’s all about that. And last but not least, at the dinner table we talked about my dog. She is a very old and showing signs of that “oldness” that are becoming more and more apparent. Of course my mom cried and wanted us all to go to the vet to find out all the problems that she has. That dog has been with us for 13 years. That is 13 years of my 19 years. I was 6 when we got her for Christmas and now I’m not sure she will be with me while I go on to my 20^th year. So that was my day today. Thank you for reading my rant. It is much appreciated. I am now going to play music, then surround myself in pillows and watch movies. What a fun Friday night, huh?

Current State

"Vous Etes Mon Coure (You Are My Heart)"

Gungor

Where have you hidden yourself oh my beloved
You fled having wounded
I pursued but you had gone

In search of you my darling I would scale the highest clouds
Scour wooded valleys, roaring torrents whispering gales

Vous etes mon coeur

When you first regarded me
Your eyes filled me with grace
Thereby again my eyes
Merited to adore you

Vous etes mon coeur